The Spider Guard
by Karachna
Summary: The antics of a completely non-codex, non-caring and non-inquisition chapter. It may suck at first but it will get better.. as long as there are no people just replying to this to say i suck. anyway.. enjoy..
1. Introduction

**Inquisitor's notes: **

**Chapter Name:**Spider Guard

**Chapter Master:**Karachna Orglaz

**Homeworld(s):**Corathia System

**Heraldry:**Black Chest and Groin, Light Green Shoulders and Arms, Dark Green Legs and Feet.

**Points of Note:**Main tactica is to hide behind a tree as this hides the painted-black chest and groin to provide a crude form of camouflage. 23,672 Inquisitors have been reported missing and are presumed dead from this location. The chapter is presumed renegade for this reason. The largest group of Inquisitors to go missing in this region at any one time is 25, including apprentices.

Karachna Orglaz ducked as a volley of bolter rounds flew past his head. A burst of white light flew across the battlefield and exploded into a mini supernova as a plasma-cannon armed marine behind him opened fire. Drawing his sword he smashed into an oncoming berserker. As the blades clashed he flicked on the disruption field and slowly sliced through his opponent's chain-axe. While the now useless weapon fell to the ground, Karachna used the momentum to drive his sword between the berserker's helmet and breastplate, disarming and beheading the enemy in one swing. The headless body collapsed and Karachna charged onward towards the enemy lines as if the berserker had been nothing more than fog.

The corridor echoed as Karachna walked down it, his honour guard a few steps in front and behind. He was in full ceremonial armour, intricate tracings of gold and silver worked onto the chapter's heraldry, black and green. The armour alone showed the importance of the meeting Karachna was headed to and prompted many to clear the corridor in front of him, causing a few accidents in the process.

Karachna himself was worried. He had been called anonymously to this meeting and had been informed that a ship had entered one of the lower hangers without permission. When he went down to investigate he was denied access by a higher authority. Strangely enough as it was his ship belonging to his chapter, the only higher authority was…

His thoughts were interrupted as he crashed into the champion of his honour guard who happened to be in the process of opening the meeting room door. As this meeting room sometimes contained ambassadors from hostile alien races, the door happened to be made of one foot of solid ceramite with multiple locks. If even one lock was opened incorrectly, a master lock would vacuum-seal the door and it could take weeks to open.

This annoyed the champion but he kept it to himself as Karachna was known to give sharp (and often incredibly painful) kicks to the groin when angry.

When the door was finally open Karachna strode in to meet his worst fear.. a man about three quarters size wearing a hooded cloak. The only visible adornment was a large pendant made from the letter I with three strikes through it.

To anyone else this would have meant nothing, but Karachna had had several dealings with these men in the past.

The Inquisition were men dedicated to rooting out heretics, daemons and rogue psykers. Rather ironic as many of them are psykers themselves.

"Leave it." Rattled a tinny, electronical voice from somewhere within the hood.

"Leave what?" asked Karachna while slowly removing his hand from the handle of a holstered plasma pistol. He was now more cautious, the last Inquisitor had been a little slower.

"Nice try..." droned the Inquisitor, "... but I am here to arrest you for crimes against the Imperium of Man. You will leave under my jurisdiction or not at all."

"And what if I choose a third option?" asked Karachna.

"What third option?" managed the Inquisitor shortly before his head vaporised in a cloud of plasma.

"Don't ask." Karachna replied as he holstered the red hot plasma pistol, pivoted on his heel and marched out of the room, his honour guard getting over their momentary shock and stumbling after him.

No one dared to bother Karachna as he returned to his quarters. If you discount the marine pointing out Karachna's holster was on fire only to get shot as Karachna removed it. He was obviously in a foul mood. That had been the fifth Inquisitor this year.


	2. Chapter 1 : The Scouring

**Chapter 1**

Karachna woke to a large object smashing into the back of his head. He looked up to find himself in the middle of a pile of flaming wreckage, twisted and bent from a previous explosion. He was not surprised to realise his razorback, _Duos Centum Quod Quinquaginta Duodeviginti Vicis Ego Semotus Ut Diripio Ex Vestri Splendidus_, had exploded yet again. This time he really had to replace those lascannon power cell fans.

He slowly got up as his other senses came back to him. He retrieved his bionic arm with his plasma pistol still clenched in his fist and popped it back into place, the gyro-stabilisers regaining the feel of gravity and briefly squeezing the trigger, causing the plasma pistol to fire a fairly large bolt of plasma through a thick sheet of ceramite. This was met with a chitter of excruciating pain from the other side of the sheet. Now it came back to him. He had been on his way to the 96th claw beetle scouring on Corathia 5 when he had smacked one of his honour guard for making an insulting comment about his mother's sister's third cousin's barber's wife's uncle twice removed. Unfortunately at this point the razorback went over a bump, propelling the unsuspecting honour guard a foot into the air shortly before Karachna hit him and making it easier for Karachna's punch to drive straight into his groin and propel him across the Razorback and into the power cell, detonating it. Now he thought about it the power cell had been off so how it had exploded he had no idea. He would have to have the techmarines look into it.

He walked round the ceramite to find his thunder hammer lying on the floor with a pair of steaming jaws still attached. He picked up the thunder hammer, flicked off the remains of what he now realised must have been a claw beetle scout and holstered the plasma pistol. He decided to move further into the forest to see where, and when, the hell he was.

After finding a suitably large tree Karachna fired his jump-pack and launched himself into the lower branches. He scaled the tree by jumping from branch to branch or if not finding any branches within reach, slamming his thunder hammer (with the disruption field on) sideways into the tree trunk, turning it off, and using it as another branch. When he finally reached the top he checked his surroundings for any signs of his chapter. After checking everywhere else he turned around to find a solid wall of fungus stretching for miles above his head.

"How the bloody hell didn't I spot that?" he remarked under his breath while slowly climbing back down towards ground level. The giant block of fungus was in fact a claw beetle nest, filled with many ravenous, meat-eating beetles and their larvae. Upon reaching the bottom, Karachna carefully shuffled his way along the bottom of the tree remembering to only move one leg at a time as claw beetle vision was based upon the movement of multiple limbs (it is also based on paradoxes, but as Karachna wasn't thinking of any at the time, that wasn't important). Upon reaching the nest wall Karachna slowly withdrew his thunder hammer and swung it above his head, splatting it down upon a claw beetle lord the size of a land raider. This was a bad move as not only did it attract the lord's attention, but it attracted the attention of every claw beetle within a five mile area. The claw beetle lord reared up and dived onto Karachna, jaws stretched wide, swallowing him whole and plunging him into its stomach filled with extremely corrosive acid.

"Not the best of days." Said Karachna, pushing away a half digested marine corpse.

Sensing the claw beetle lord had stopped moving, Karachna flicked off the safety on his plasma pistol. Knowing that a flaming exit from their leader's stomach would scare the living shit out of anybody, let alone a half feral animal, he blasted three shots in random directions then removed his thunder hammer and ripped his way out. While the claw beetles fled in terror, Karachna made a swift turn in what he thought was the direction of the exit to find it wasn't him they were running from. His 'Dynamic Entry' (or to be more accurate, 'Exit') had set fire to the one, spindly, support holding up the five mile nest. Breaking out wouldn't help either as his thunder hammer would only set fire to more of the building, making it collapse quicker. He had about 60 seconds to get out. 30 after the calculations. And 29 after thinking those two sentences. He did thing the only thing he knew how to do well. He fired his jump pack, sending him flying towards the ceiling, and breaking the support sending the ceiling flying towards him. At the last minute he held his thunder hammer above his head, turned it on, and bored his way through the ceiling at fifty miles an hour. He flew 200 feet into the air and hurtled towards what (due to the many explosions) looked like the front line. The thousands of claw beetles had fled into (almost) an entire chapter and had the living crap beaten out of them with hellfire rounds. Karachna landed perfectly in the middle of the front line, slammed his foot into the last living claw beetle and jumped off to meet the first captain.

"Welcome Sir" managed the captain at last, "I trust all went well? I mean this kind of thing seems to happen every time!"

"Oh, shut the fuck up." murmured Karachna, shortly before punching the captain squarely in the face, striding off to his waiting thunderhawk and slamming his fist into the hatch close button.

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P.S Yes the razorbacks name does mean the two hundred and fifty third time i remover that pillow from your spleen. because it has been. and sorry for taking so long to update. been asleep.


	3. Chapter 2 : The Trials

**Chapter 2**

Karachna was as angry as a sex-deprived slaaneshi cultist. Upon arriving on the chapter's space bound fortress, he had been informed that his entire scout company had been decimated. Apparently some idiot had decided it would be a good idea to send them to a nearby system for training. Without any weapon skill.

The last vox transmission (with screaming and what seemed like a woman panting in the background) had said

"Sir! We are PINNED DOWN! We were ambushed by a... –KHRSHHHT— ...suntan... –KHRSHHHT-- ...weapons training... –KHRSHHHT-- ...groin... –KHRSHHHT-- ...clawing at insides... –KHRSHHHT-- ...require... AAAAAAGH!! –KHRSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT--"

Karachna wasn't quite sure what the groin was about and didn't want to be either, however the fact that his entire scout company was now gone meant that he had to do some recruiting. Fast. He decided that the best thing to do was call his honour guard in and have a bit of a brainstorm. He was about to head off to the war room when he suddenly realised he had killed his last honour guard. Time for trials.

Karachna stood up in the training cage hall and addressed his chapter. One thousand Space Marines, armed to the teeth from their personal armoury. Karachna himself was wearing his artificer armour (well, if it could be called that. It was actually eight layers of compacted, dense power armour, fused together and wired with artificial muscle bundles. Almost completely indistinct from power armour from the outside, the only difference being the shoulder pad fused to the right knee joint.) to make sure any flying chips of power armour didn't have him confined to the apothecarion, especially not after what had happened last time. The groin plate had been extremely hard to remove from his oolitic kidney. He threw his thunder hammer into the crowd, apparently pleased with the thud and subsequent groan from where it landed, and the trials began.

Two days later, the trials finished, and the five remaining marines lined up in front of Karachna, while the rest lined up for organ replacement. Karachna walked down the line of marines closely followed by a record servitor, calling out the men's name, medical history, and by what chance in hell they survived the tournament without injury. The first man in line was a ten foot tall suit of terminator armour apparently called Haren. He had chosen to take a large assault cannon and a chainfist into the tournament. Emperor knows what must have happened to his opponents.

"Haren Nathax." droned the servitor. "Terminator from first company. Won the tournament by punching every opponent full of holes. If this stratagem failed Haren would walk through up to the opponent and just punch it." They moved along to the next marine in line, a fairly thinly built marine wielding a pair of what looked like miniature power swords. "Kharne Arnek." continued the servitor, "Every time an opponent entered the cage, Kharne dropped from above and incapacitated them before they could react." The next marine was battered and bruised, seeming to be nothing other than a marine with a bolter. "Nathan Altha. Constantly drove round the edge, shooting his bolter into the middle. The bike blew up in the second to last round, knocking out the opponent. He won the last round when the engine of his bike dislodged from the ceiling and fell on the opponent." Missile launchers were the last thing Karachna expected in a confined cage match so the next marine caught him off guard. He was a fairly short (well, for a marine) squat person with a large missile launcher strapped across his back. The missile launcher had an abnormally long barrel that must have made it more accurate. "Sergio Reed. No opponent lasted longer than five seconds in the same cage as every time a marine entered he took a missile to his left shoulder." The final marine in the line was a fairly smug man with a flamer in each hand rested on his shoulders. "Charon Anvilus." started the servitor.

"Yes OK, I don't need to know how he got through this." moaned Karachna.

Despite this the servitor was determined to go on. "Won the tournament by..." was all it managed before Karachna shot it in half with his plasma pistol. To be truthful he really shot it into two thirds as one third of it was vaporised but that really doesn't matter.

Karachna turned to face the five marines as they regained their composure and looked them each in the eye. "Congratulations. You are the five lucky marines to have gained a place in my honour guard."

"Oh for fucks sake." muttered Sergio shortly before taking a kick to the groin from Karachna. This was a special occasion as it meant everyone in the chapter had now been kicked in the groin. Hatches opened in the ceiling dropping thousands of balloons and confetti. Karachna knew that the same thing was happening across the whole of the ship. He turned to his new Honour Guard and gestured for someone to help Sergio up.

"Here is your first mission." barked Karachna. "Destroy every single one of these balloons. And the confetti too." And so began the galaxy's first great balloon massacre.

* * *

The scout company is a reference to my friend's story 'The Forq Marines' by angry kid130. I will also be merging stories with Camion Lavair by Reedy180 and an orky tale by hell yer. Trust me, read them or this won't make sense later.


	4. Chapter 3 : The Apothecarion

**Chapter 3**

Karachna went down to the medical bay. He decided it was the best course of action after losing his lower right leg and suffering third degree burns. He turned the corner to meet an extremely long line. From the look of the people queuing it seemed to be the line for the apothecarion. Very impressive since the apothecarion itself was three miles further down the ship. It seemed that almost two thirds of the patients had extreme burns as well. Hardly surprising as 'The First Great Balloon Massacre' mainly consisted of Charon running round the decks of the ship with his flamers set to 'Crispy Fried Duck'. He must have taken the entire hold's supply of promethium with him as apparently there wasn't a drop left.

"I'll have to give him a good kicking." Thought Karachna shortly before realising (again) that his leg was missing. He suddenly remembered how that had happened. He had just 'encountered' Charon when Sergio came round the corner at high speed. He said he had been running ahead of Charon to warn people he was coming, when Charon had taken a corner that Sergio hadn't expected him to take. He was now running behind Charon to help take care of the casualties. Less than three seconds after saying this, Sergio's missile launcher misfired, removing Karachna's leg. It would probably take a while before Charon came back from the fortress depths, but when he did, boy was he in for a kicking.

Karachna opened his eyes to find the Apothecarion's ceiling staring back at him. Who had thrown those eyes up there he had no idea. From the looks of his surroundings he must have tried to escape again. Not because he was bored or anything like that, it was just that he wanted to get out of here before the Head Apothecary found him. He looked down at his new bionic leg to find half the chapter had carved their names into it with a power scalpel. That wouldn't end well for them. He attempted to sit up, failed miserably, and collapsed onto his pillow to find he had moved up his bed a little and fell off the end. He fell onto the hard concrete floor and slammed his head into the ground. He rolled over and tried to pull himself up with his bedcovers. All this managed to do was cause his thunder hammer to slip off of the bed and land onto his forehead, causing him to black out. Everyone else in the apothecarion heard the quickest ever 'HOLY FUCK!' in the galaxy's history.

Karachna rolled over. Three weeks since the accident with the thunder hammer and his head still hurt. He heard a faint popping noise and looked up to find an elder warp spider, white with gold trim and a dark blue helmet. He seemed to be furious with his warp pack.

"Oh for fucks sake..." he moaned, "...not another bloody hallucination." He reached for his thunder hammer and realised that the apothecary had taken it away to stop him getting injured again.

"Well while you are here you'd better tell me what you're here for before I come to my senses again."

"What the hell are you on about..." started the warp spider, "...oh right... hallucination." There was a sudden beep and the warp spider repeatedly jabbed his finger onto the console on his arm. He disappeared with a faint pop and Karachna rolled over again. 'Screw it...' he thought, '...I'm getting out of here.' He then rolled over, grabbed his armour and set off to find the nearest apothecary.

After a short search he found a small group of apothecaries having their lunch break. Karachna walked up and grabbed one of their donuts, watching the look on their faces when they realised he wasn't another apothecary. He slammed his bionic fist into the bollocks of the first marine to have looked up and ignored his squeals of pain as he rolled on the floor. He grabbed the next one by the throat and asked him where 'the bloody hell was his armour'. The apothecary replied by cowering away from Karachna (fairly difficult when he was holding him) and pointing in the general direction of a cupboard with multiple locks. Karachna prised the door open and saw his shining thunder hammer and plasma pistol, hanging on the rack. He lifted them up and looked at the inscriptions, 'Karachna's Strength' on the thunder hammer and 'Karachna's Temper' on the plasma pistol. About right seeing that Karachna's temper also went white hot and exploded quite often. He slipped them into the usual places, pistol on his hip and hammer on his back, and strode out of the room while the apothecaries tended to their workmate's crushed bollocks.


	5. Chapter 4 : Planetfall

**Chapter 4**

Karachna rolled over and looked at the beeping alarm. He realised that having his helmet on mute kind of made the alarm pointless and threw it into the bin. After getting up and dusting off his armour he proceeded to open the many locks on his front door. Most chapters would not have this problem and would not sleep in their armour, but The Spider Guard took extra precautions since one of the scouts had been ambushed by a slaaneshi cultist from the lower decks. None of them had heard of that many uses for a Rubik's cube before. When Karachna opened the door he came face to face with a paper brick wall. This was the most common prank on the ship and Karachna had learnt. He kept walking and attempted to walk straight through it, bounced off and landed on his hammer. A solid brick wall, not common. He picked up his hammer and casually flicked the on switch, sending it flying through the brick wall and out the other side, taking out two marines at the same time. He went through and removed the hammer from the marine's remains and shoved them under the ceramite floorboards. By pressing a button on his wrists he exposed the corridor's under-floor to the cold hard vacuum of space, sucking out the marine's bodies. No-one would worry, even carnifexes dwelled in the lower decks. He decided to look out of the observation decks on the higher levels and check on his domain. He hadn't done that for a while. He looked up to see his honour guard standing around in full battle gear with puppy dog eyes. Obviously they were waiting for battle orders; they would be waiting a long time. He walked past them and beckoned them to follow.

Karachna looked out upon Corathia Three. Something about it was odd but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Then he realised. At this time Corathia Three was in autumn so, as it was a forest world, should have been a red-orange colour, but right now it was a shade of green. There were only two reasons for this. One, global warming had caused spring to come early, two a claw beetle or ork incursion. Two was the most likely. He turned round to his honour guard who seemed to be rather occupied pointing out local landmarks on the planets and called them over.

"As my Honour Guard you must learn to understand the signs of problems with local planets." He started. "Now, what would you say was wrong with this planet?"

"Um... Spring came early?" ventured Charon shortly before a flying thunder hammer knocked him unconscious.

"Personally, I would say that it is an ork Waagh, or the local claw beetles have spread too far."

Mumbled Kharne quietly.

"Perfect answer Kharne." said Karachna. "This also means something else. Call the Devastators, the assault marines and two companies of tactical marines. Oh and bring the scouts too."

"Sir?" asked Kharne.

"Time for battle men... have fun."

Karachna paced back and forth in his bunker, swinging his thunder hammer in circles. It had been hours since the scouts had been dropped, by Thunderhawk and Stormbird into the dense forests ahead. It can't have taken this long for them to have found out what was going on. Suddenly, there was a series of ear-splitting screams over the vox and Karachna collapsed, holding his head. When the screams had stopped, Karachna straightened up and headed towards the bunker's entrance to see a large ball of smoke covering the horizon. Not smoke, he realised, but dust. A claw beetle stampede. Deadly to anything in its path, showing that their main nest must have collapsed... or been attacked.

Karachna opened the vox channel and ordered the men to fall back until told to stop. And to run for their lives. He turned round and looked for the clearest path possible. He then fired his jump pack and headed towards the smaller, defence base with the claw beetles snapping at his heels. He waited until he was at enough of a distance before he lifted his angle, performed a somersault over the charging swarm, landed painfully on his knees and collapsed onto his face. Karachna opened the vox link to the fleet and ordered them to send down his two Thunderhawks and his personal Stormbird to the main base. He would find his honour guard.

Karachna had found his honour guard scattered around the swarm's wreckage. By their own means they had all survived; Haren had survived just by standing there and letting the swarm run over him (twenty other terminators had survived this way), Sergio had been firing four missiles at a time, Kharne had climbed over, Charon had burned his way through and Nathan had followed him. They were waiting for the Thunderhawks with the two remaining squads of terminators. The rest of the marines had either been killed (like the entire devastator company), or had already taken off. Karachna stood up as his Stormbird landed and led his honour guard in, the terminators boarding the Thunderhawks at either side. While the pilots made the final checks Karachna decided to listen to the jokes his honour guard were sharing.

"What do you get if you dangle a steak in front of a tyranid? Eaten."

"What do you get if you cross a slaaneshi and a nurgle daemon? STD's."

"What do you get if you tie a spider to a Dark Eldar? The only known thing that beats itself to death."

It mainly continued in this way until Karachna fell asleep. He wasn't asleep long when a large explosion shook the ship. They had already taken off and were hundreds of miles into the atmosphere until a blast went through one side of the ship and bounced off the other before returning through the same hole. Unfortunately 'this side' was the reactor cable, causing the ship to lose power and fall through the sky. The vox revealed the two flanking Thunderhawks had also suffered damage and all were plummeting through the sky at extreme speed. Everyone braced themselves for the impact.

"Oh fuck it..." said Karachna, shortly before blacking out.

* * *

If i were you i would read the other stories or this next bit will make no sense. They are: The Forq Marines by Angry Kid130, Camion Lavair by Reedy180 and an orky tale by hell yer. Trust me. Worth the read.


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